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Parenting & Childcare

Why do mothers become invisible after giving birth


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After my boys were born, there were appointments.

To check their latch.

To check their weight.

To check their hearing.

To check the color of their skin for signs of jaundice.

There were appointments.

There were regular pokes and prods.

Their well-being was front and center.

I'd say, when it comes to our health-care system, they were well taken care of.

Then there was me.

A first-time mom without a clue.

Engorged, bleeding, and stitched up.

Sent home with some painkillers and stool softeners.

Thrown into motherhood with the expectation my instincts would kick in.

That I would know how to handle colic and late night feedings.

That breastfeeding would come as nature intended.

That my husband would sense my spiral into depression.

That I would know how to live in my new and very foreign body.

That this stomach wouldn't make me feel hideous.

And my mind wouldn't make me feel less than they deserved.

No one poked me.

No one prodded.

No one checked my stitches, my healing, or my sanity until eight weeks postpartum.

And even then, it was a pat on the back and I was sent on my way.

Our world forgets about mothers.

We slip through the cracks.

We become background noise.

And in that, we learn our role... our place in our family unit... to always come last.

Folks, we can't put mothers last.

Our babies need us.

To be healthy.

To know that we are worthy.

To know that motherhood, while natural, can sometimes feel like the least natural role in our life.

And that deserves attention.

Mothers deserve attention.

We need our world to fuss over us the way they fuss over ten fresh fingers and ten fresh toes.

We need to be seen.

We need to be heard.

We need someone to not only ask if we're okay but to check time and time again, just to be sure.

We're not just a uterus.

We're not just a lifeline to a new and precious soul.

We're mothers.

And we need someone to make sure we're okay, too
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hassan.bensaleh followed this discussion
Thank you for this. I hope someone is listening. As I sit here 2 weeks postpartum after giving birth to a 9lb 5 oz baby which tore me up physically and emotionally, I'm feeling exactly this. I have an incredible husband, but we also have other children who require his attention, so mom comes last when she needs to be first the most. It's hard when people just expect you to be okay, that every day should be easier than the one before it. Everyone expects the physical and emotional healing to be complete 2 weeks in and for us to jump right back into our former life, but the truth is that our healing process has only just begun.
5 mths
10 more people followed this discussion
That’s so sad to read... in that matter here in the Netherlands we have something called “kraamhulp” for the first 8 days. A professional helping you out in the house. Checks your temp and , if you have any, stitches. Has a conversation with you about how YOU feel. They are trained to notice early signs of a developing depression. Observes how you move around, react to your environment and baby of course. She often is trained in breastfeeding sos. However, she’s not a lactation expert, but she knows basics about latch etc. She knows the best tips&tricks for treating hemorrhoids,
they keep a logbook on your and your baby’s health, food intake, etc. if you haven’t gone to the bathroom within 24hrs, they start with some gentle stool softeners.
It’s sad that a majority of women in the Netherlands treat them like some sort of housekeeper! While they are and can be of so much value! I feel truly blessed being able to enjoy such health care... and I really believe it’s a huge help in preventing mental/physical complications after birth.

Also the midwife checks 2-3 times during the first 10days on your health and everything down under. The “kraamhulp” also reports all her observations to the midwife.
5 mths
cars.newton, cott.aa, and 7 other people started following this discussion
This is the cause of a mother's depression exhaustion and lack of sleep. Even after having major surgery. We don't think about recovering our body anymore bec of the loads of things to be done. No one bothers to give you a hand.
5 mths
10 more people followed this discussion
I saw the true colours of many around me during pregnancy (high risk) and especially after I had my daughter. Very few people were interested in how I'm doing. The rest just to grab the baby from her mum and talking behind my back criticizing the way I'm parenting her. Wish I had more confidence to stand up properly to everyone that hurt me the first few months of motherhood, but I was so confused why I'm being in the centre of judgmental comments..
5 mths
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5 mths
They will all say hows the baby? hows the baby? The only person who ask how i am after birth is my mom. Sad but true.
5 mths
The midwife team I delivered with (Mayo Clinic) sets up a 2 week post partum visit as part of your hospital discharge... they call it a “mood check” and will sit and talk with you for as long as you need. Before I left mine, they asked if I’d like to set up another or if I wanted to wait until my routine 6 weeks. I’m very thankful to not have had an experience like this writers... no mama should ever be left feeling invisible.
5 mths
You ladies are warriors! You are strong and you deserve to be taken care of too.
5 mths
More than 50 people have joined this discussion.
Because the last time anyone will ask a question about the mom is when they ask “How dilated are you?!?!?!” If the last I heard from you was when you asked me about my cervix, or if I've felt a contraction yet, don't expect me to invite you over to breathe on my newborn.
5 mths
My MIL started asking “How’s the baby” right after we announced. I don’t think she’s asked me how *I* am doing in about 2 years.
5 mths
I absolutely love this so much! Because it validates EVERY feeling I’ve had. My first born is 7, I had my mother around for him so naturally she took care of me, too. My second born, she unfortunately passed away during pregnancy. Not one person has asked me if I’m ok or how I was feeling after c-section. On top of that, my son is extremely colic. So I’m grieving the loss of my mother and learning how to mother without her. It’s been so rough. How i suck it up is beyond me, but I do. I do it for my children but I’d love a day for myself to just breathe and break. I’ve always had a tough exterior which makes me think everyone just thinks I’m ok bc I’m “strong” - THAT is so frustrating. I’d love if someone said “how are you?!” - “do you need anything?!” Ugh. Missing my Mom so much.
5 mths
I felt so alone and forgotten for a long time after my daughter was born. Nothing I voiced was important.
I was rushed and pushed into things I didn’t want to do, or places I didn’t want to go.
It was so stressful.

If or when I have another child, my favorite word will be NO.
5 mths